Why Dane Cook and I Could Never be Friends

Dane Cook and I could NEVER be friends. It just couldn't happen. For multiple reasons really. One being I can't do that wierd little "shocker" rip off finger thing he does. For some strange reason I feel that he wouldn't be my friend because of that. Thankfully I'd never want to be anything more than the guy who stuck out his leg to trip him as he walked by me on a subway (or some other form of transportation. You can choose the one you like the best).

Also I could never be friends with someone who has greatly increased the number of douche bags in existence. I mean WHO KNOWS how many d-bags and assholes this guys has produced? When he started out was he going for the role of every fraternity's mascot? Did he engineer his "comedy" (I use that word loosely when referring to him) so that it could bring out the inner, dormant douche bag in everyone?
And yes I am susceptible to it as well. Recently in one of my classes my professor decided that Dane cook would be an excellent teaching tool. I had to watch and take notes on his performance for academic purposes. How she thought learning from someone that has the brain capacity of a deceased sea urchin was possible is beyond me but I don't trouble myself with such matters. I am not a professor, therefore I don't know all the teaching tricks.

As I sat there in my movie theater style seat scribbling out notes in barely legible handwriting watching his performance, I felt myself becoming angry. Besides my being submitted to Dane's on stage hijinx I couldn't figure out the cause for my anger. Then it hit me. That was the only reason I was angry. I could feel the cogs in the douche-machine turning and I knew the transmogrification was beginning. Suddenly I felt like taking my shirt off, getting a tribal arm band tattoo and wearing a sports cap backwards. Before it could get any worse my professor put an end to the video and started up lecture. I was saved. I still have 'Nam-style flash backs of my near douche experience.

Another reason Dane and I could never be friends is his massive amounts of theft. How he gets away with stealing material from other prominent comedians like Daniel Tosh or Luis CK is beyond me. Hell I think he could do it and admit he was taking the jokes and it would be fine. I have no problem with people that quote movies or comedians and then give them credit afterwards. That's fine and can actually be funnier than the actual movie/comedian itself/himself/herself but he doesn't. I refuse to associate with people that take credit for other people's work and Dane seems to make a living out of it.

Everyday (okay that's an exaggeration) I wake up and hope that I meet Dane Cook. I want to meet him and make him think I'm the coolest guy ever. I want him to want to be my son. And I want to refuse him that opportunity. This is the final reason (and maybe the most important) why he and I could just never be friends. Does that make me a douche? Yes, but technically that's still kosher in my book because he's still the cause of my douchedom.

Sorry Dane, we're just not meant to be (I hate you).