Tomatoes

Let’s think of a salad as a party (in your mouth, which they can be if the right dressing is applied). At this party we have lettuce, the people that ALWAYS show up to parties, the people you don’t really remember but you’re still kind of glad they are there.
Next we have carrots, carrots are your friends, your buddies that you mostly only see when you throw parties, but you’re cool with that.

Then we have cucumbers and bell peppers. They are colorful and really make you glad that you have such cool interesting friends, you’re really happy they are there telling stories adding flavor and handling keg stands like champs.

Finally we have tomatoes, they are the worst. Tomatoes are the guys or girls that you probably hate, just absolutely hate, but everyone else is just kind of “eh” towards them so you can’t properly or effectively release your passionate enmity. Fortunately as long as you can keep them in another room or at the bottom of your bowl you’ll still have a good time.

A Few More Things... # 6

I met or rather re-met a super cute girl I had come in contact Saturday night while I was drunk. We talked on the bus for a little bit, we both had the same stop so sat next to each other for a good ten minutes. She got off a stop earlier than she said she was was going to and I did not follow. I don't know if we had different ideas of which stop we were going to or if she was dying to be through talking to me. I saw that she kind of looked around and backwards when she got off. I imagine this was either to see where I was so we could continue our conversation or so she could know how hard to sprint in the opposite direction.

My dad came up and visited me tonight for dinner. It was pretty cool. He brought some video games I'd left and jeans, and a few other things. We drove around and talked and he lectured me on how I was too skinny and I futilely tried to tell him I was eating as much as I could. He kept telling me to ask girls to coffee. I think he either wants me to get married soon or wants proof that I'm not gay. I've made it a point to hide all my girlfriends from my family so this actually isn't an unreasonable thing to desire. I've decided I'll do my best to show him that I am not only straight but MEGA straight by impregnating as many girls as I can while simultaneously forcing a beard to grow.

After my dad left I played some Nazi Zombie rounds with this dude from my dorm. We were undisciplined, unfocused, and distracted, basically we were awful and died quickly and horribly every time.

A Few Things... # 5 Seating Arrangements

The best way to start your day is by chasing after a bus. It's a well known fact. Even better is chasing after a bus you thought you were going to miss, climbing on to it breathing heavily, sighing victoriously that you caught the thing, and then have it sit there for five minutes waiting for the strollers to catch up.

In my anthropology class today an attractive girl came and sat beside me when there were seats enough so we could have had a few desks between us (now that I think of it she did the same thing at a bus stop yesterday). I'd like to imagine it's because she wanted me to talk to her, however the fact that she didn't really look at me much the entire fifty minutes makes it hard for me to believe it.

There are plenty of reasons why she could have sat where she did. One being she wanted to be closer to the center (where I was) and the seat next to me was the next best thing. Another would be that she probably didn't even notice that a dude was sitting there and just plopped down in a chair. Both of those seem reasonable and likely, though less awesome for me. So girls, do you deliberately do this or am I just over thinking it? If you are, give us some sort of hint like saying "hey" in a sultry tone. Or you could just sit right on our laps and ask "How ya doing stud?". That'd really clear the whole situation up for us, thanks.

Apparently there's been some sort of outbreak of Swine Flu in my dorm. Due to this a couple levels have been dubbed "Swine Floors". The hottest place to talk about the pig flu invasion is the elevator. Every time I step into that rickety thing the number of victims have gone up. This morning it was 12 people. This afternoon? 50. That pig is fast.

A Few Things... # 4 Burritos, Bicycles and Bristol Palin

I'm hanging out with some guys on my floor when I decide I want to put some shoes on. So I slip back to my room and do just that. When I return I'm greeted with "Dude you smell REALLY good. like I'm a guy and I think you smell great". Seeing as how I didn't put on anything that could have altered my scent during the whole shoe process it makes me wonder what made me smell so good. Or maybe he thought I smelled great long before and had just found a good opportunity to let me know it. Either way I was a mixture of flattered and wierded out.

I've realized that I always become ten times more patient and nice when I'm in someplace new and I'm trying to make friends. Eventually once I get comfortable again I revert back to snarky. If I was constantly changing where I lived I think I'd be a consistently much better person. Unfortunately I hate moving so guess I'll stick with being mediocre.

I've been changing shorts in addition to my t-shirts everyday. I normally don't do this. Usually a pair of shorts lasts me a good three four days (sometimes longer) before I feel that they are in need of a well deserved respite. Here in Colorado though everyone seems to be so fashionable that if I don't change shorts every day I might be shunned. So to avoid that I've been diligently rotating between my three or four pairs. So far I've yet to be ostracized, which means my plan is working!

On the bus today I accidentally made eye contact with this one dude three or four times. Every time it happened he would squint his eyes a little as if he hated me more and more every time our eyes met. I made sure not to let it happen anymore for the fear that he might challenge me to a duel.

Whenever I'm on campus and surrounded by a multitude of bikers/skaters I'm constantly afraid of getting run into. I use all my allotted courage everyday by not diving out of the way shrieking whenever one whizzes by. My hope is that this will increase my overall store of courage and thus I will be able to go on to even more impressive things. Things such as being one of the bikers/skaters that race past me at a much more efficient pace.

I had a class tonight that meets once a week on Thursdays from 6:30-9. This is the child birth of classes, but it's an advertising course so it should be fun. Everything we will be doing we'll be doing in duos so I had to quickly survey my prospects. There was a kid with brutal acne, two attractive chicks, and some guy with a long board in front of me.

I chose the dude in front of me. He's from Alaska so we talked a bit about that over some burritos at a local place. I made a joke about him being the father of Bristol Palin's kid. He chuckled and said "No, but I'd hit it". I like this guy.

A Few Things...# 3

Girls when you sit down next to me on the bus, in class, or anywhere really, and I take out one of my headphones it's because I'm hoping you will talk to me, not because I only want to hear half of the music.

People in my dorm had some sort of multiple-floor party last night. It was Tuesday. I think people here party differently then I do. Guess I better get with it and get black out drunk every night.

This would actually be beneficial in some sense (passing out every night). My room mate is on a hot streak and has woken me up three nights in a row with his gut wrenching masterbation. I'm going to have to talk to him about it. God that's going to be awkward:

Me: Hey man look I know you're waking up at five A.M. every morning to wank it while I'm asleep instead of awake, and I appreciate that but uh... it's not working...

Him: Uh... what?

Me: YOU'RE WAKING ME UP WITH YOUR DAMN FAPPING NOISES! BEAT IT WHEN I'M NOT AROUND.

Hopefully that will be the end of that.

In one of my classes there is this girl that I am slowly working up the nerve to talk to. Today like the bad ass I am I asked her a question about the notes we were taking. I could tell from the way she told me "G" and "SS" meant "goods" and "supplies" that she was totally into me. I think. No. Probably not. But my battle plan for eventually wooing her is already in progress. I've got our first date scheduled for October 14th 2010.

I finally confronted my roommate on the late night noises and he denied denied denied. He said it was him getting ready in the morning at Seven. I told him it was happening at five and earlier and he said he had no idea. My conclusion? He's either lying or sleepterbating. Either way I lose. I sincerely hope he stops.

I heard one of my neighbors had a video game I liked so I thought I'd pop over and try to make a friend. The venture was successful as we bonded over several unsuccessful Nazi Zombie matches. He also likes Entourage. That's cool.

I met this one girl a few nights ago and we exchanged numbers. A few hours later she texted me saying we should hang out the next day,I agreed. We didn't. I realize since she took the step of contacting me first I should have got in touch with her yesterday. For some reason I didn't. Half of me says I'm stupid the other half has no idea what's going on.

Today I heard this really attractive girl introduce this guy she was with as "my friend Kyle". The guy seemed smart enough to know that when you're introduced as a friend you're probably staying one but I still felt bad. Had she just said "This is Kyle" he would have been in the clear. Did I mention she was really attractive?

I finally manned up and texted the girl from before, seeing if she wanted to grab some food. She said she couldn't but would like to hang later. I said "that might work" and we ended up seeing each other later in the night by accident but with out acknowledging one another. Like plenty of social interactions between people in college. It was fucking wierd.

A Few More Things...

My room mate likes to keep the room at a temperature so cold that I feel the need to wear socks. One way to look at this is that people that are natives of Colorado are pussies for thinking 75/80 is hot. The other is that I'm a pussy for thinking 60 is cold enough to require sock wearing. I hate him for making me think this.

If I play my music loud enough I can't hear the people outside their dorm talking. This keeps me from feeling like a loser for being inside mine.

I've recently discovered that I don't like it when people I don't know well see me shave. Why are you watching me anyway?

I was surprised my car wasn't towed this morning. It was a great feeling.

I've started taking the bus regularly and I'm actually starting to really like it. The ride is long enough to where I can unwind and listen to a few great songs before/after classes, but short enough for me to still arrive on time.

Working out a mile plus above sea-level is much more difficult than working out ten feet above it. Sadly the result of doing either is generally the same.

When you have to go out and get your food eating becomes just as much an annoyance as it is a necessity.

It's hard to look cool while you're running. It's IMPOSSIBLE to look cool while running after a bus in sandals and holding a notebook.

Another thing about riding the bus is all the attractive girls in close proximity. I tend to fall in love at least a few times per ride. So far I've let each of them get away. I figure it'll be better if I ever write a memoir to have as many lost loves as possible.

Supposedly Colorado has 300 days of sun a year. So far the three days I've been here have been overcast. I sure hope we're not using all of our cloudy weather up.

God doesn't hate me, he just likes poking my life with a stick. For example, my bored room mate is singing along to various pop songs loudly and off key. I've never had my ear drums burst but I feel like now might be likely time for that to happen.

A Few Things...

I've Done and Learned in Colorado.

Today after being on my lonesome for the first time since I got to my new school I remembered that eating is actually necessary. Not having a meal plan yet I had to choose between looking lonely while eating Burger King inside the restaurant or looking lonely and creepy eating it in my car. For some reason I chose the latter.

I decided to eat in the parking lot of a Safeway because I needed to get a few things when I was done. Checking out with a twelve pack of soda, two frozen pizzas, and gum made me feel unhealthy.

Also the people that walk in to your dorm randomly are never the people you wish would. Meaning hot chicks.

Waking up to your brand new room mate pleasuring himself furiously is possibly one of the worst ways to spend a first night at a new dorm.

People that start talking with you on an elevator rarely want to keep talking with you after you get off. If you talk to them BEFORE you both get on it's an entirely different story.

Asking a group of people for directions, them giving them to you, and then going the same way they are is awkward. Do I walk with them? Do they care? I decide that I should just thank them and kind of sprint-walk away.

Apparently there's a thing called "Slack lining". Basically you tie rope between two trees and try to walk on it. I fear being asked to try it because I enjoy my face being uncrushed. It's only a matter of time until I'm goaded into attempting.

Again I go to eat dinner by myself but at a dining hall. There's no place to sit alone so I plop down next to a few dudes. I sit in silence while they chat until they bring up cereal. I inform them that cereal never lets you down. They agree and we share slightly uncomfortable conversation for the next few minutes. I only remember one of the guy's name. It was Hunter. I always remember names that are a profession/hobby. If your name is Skater or Runner, I will remember it.

A guy randomly stopped me and asked if I was sick. After replying "no" he just walked away. I hope I don't look sick. People are terrified of Swine Flu. That's for real. My friend Thomas suggested that I probably blew my chance at being a secret agent as this was most likely a test to respond properly. I obviously didn't.